Homesick for a home that doesn’t exist

“I have wished time and time again, to trade the agonizing loneliness that I have now, for the abuse of my past. I cannot wish my family back into existence.”

By Tabitha McDonald. Tabitha is a young adult who transitioned out of care without a permanent family. Tabitha presently coordinates the Adoption Council of Canada’s Youth Speak Out Program so that youth in and from government care can share their stories as experts, and bring about a call to action on a national scale. Tabitha spent six years in care before aging out. She wrote an article for the North American Council on Adoptable Children (NACAC) about her experiences with Thanksgiving, and writes here about Christmas. She can be contacted at Tabitha@adoption.ca

The Christmas season is upon us; festive songs, seasonal beverages, Black Friday sales and the incessant, never-ending messaging that a happy society is one filled with happy families.

“The holidays are not kind to a young woman who managed to escape the horrors of abuse, only to wish for it again in the face of catastrophic loneliness. I am homesick for a home that does not exist.”

I used to be in a family. I used to think that I was happy. I used to write Christmas lists with a characteristically keen eye to detail and aesthetics. I used to wait with baited breath at the top of the stairs on December 24th, after dragging my brother from his mountain of blankets, and point to a dusting of salt on the table as proof that reindeer were real. I used to love our annual ski-trip and the labor intensive Christmas dinners that had not only turkey, but ham and roast beef, maple glazed carrots and the most delicious mashed potatoes imaginable. I used to gleefully smash a Terry’s Chocolate Orange, while sitting next to a warm and welcoming fire, and watch as it split apart, as if by magic. And then, I watched my family fall apart.

I watched as my step-mother and brother left when my father’s alcohol fuelled rampages could no longer be swept under the mint green living room carpet; an, ‘it’s all your fault,’ on her lips as her white Sorel boots packed the frost hardened snow toward the car and a life that no longer included me. I dream of that moment, now, years later. I dream that I spoke up and demanded that they stay. I dream that I yelled, and screamed and begged for them to take me, to not abandon me on that desperately cold morning. I dream that I chased the car down, that it was all an elaborate hoax, that when I open my eyes, I’ll be waking up to a world where mom is in the den watching Trading Places, not six feet in the ground with a headstone that is so plain it made me want to dig my heart out from my chest.

But that is not my world. In the aftermath of their departure, I faced the torment of my father alone, until I came to be in a group home. More than three years later, I aged out of government care without a permanent family because it was decided, for me, that my stability was more important than a chance at permanency. I have spent inordinate amounts of time ascertaining the likelihood of time travel - researching quantum mechanics, cosmic strings and black holes, Einstein-Rosen Bridges and Alcubierre drives, but no number of shattered teacups will knit themselves back together again. Time moves inexorably forward. I cannot, as I have wished time and time again, trade the agonizing loneliness that I have now, for the abuse of my past. I cannot wish my family back into existence.

Tabitha shaking hands with Our Governor General the Honourable David Johnston at the Adoption Council of Canada's Urgency Around Permanency Summit.

The holidays are not kind to those who have pasts like my own. The holidays are not kind to a young woman who managed to escape the horrors of abuse, only to wish for it again in the face of catastrophic loneliness. I am homesick for a home that does not exist.

I had a panic attack at a drug store recently when I saw an advent calendar, a long forgotten memory seeping through my thought patterns, flooding the pockets of my heart before it crashed over me in a wave, it’s force driving a low, keening wail that I barely recognized as my own from deep inside. I had to pound at my chest, pound at the place above my heart as the cry mounted, as the agony flooded to the surface, as terror clawed its way to the fore. Anxiety and terror stay with me, forever it seems, always at the ready, always prepared to lunge out at me from the darkness and light alike to steal my breath and sanity away. Panic. Panic grips me so tightly that it shudders my whole body.  

What are you supposed to do when everything has the potential to trigger an intense reaction such as this? I can assure you that it isn’t easy, that there is no fool-proof methodology that works as a blanket solution. I can tell you that I am, with a great deal of work and support, finally finding it within myself to be truly hopeful. For the first time in over a decade, I have been asked to write a Christmas list, to be made to truly feel as though I am a part of a friend’s holiday traditions. I can tell you that it is desperately hard work, to open up my heart after working so diligently to ensure that it would be permanently welded shut. I can tell you that I am still often side-swiped, even with thorough preparation, but that I have people on speed dial who understand and are willing to calmly anchor me when I am in the throes of a panic attack.

Intrinsic in the values of Canadians is the idea of family, and yet thousands of youth wait for the ghost of a chance for the permanency and peace a forever family can bring, watching it drive further and further into the distance as their workers deem them too old, or too stable or too much of a bother to warrant the effort to find them a safe, stable and secure parenting relationship that is based in love, unconditional commitment and lifelong support. Every single person deserves a family. Every single person should have the privilege of feeling homesick for their loving families and time honored traditions. I hope someday to believe it about myself; for now, I work tirelessly to ensure that the 30,000 children and youth in care in Canada not only believe it, but achieve it.

Is there an age limit to being adoptable?

Will I be lucky, will I not ? I’m just not so sure that ‘luck’ alone will help everyone.

“Why did my parent – the government, my children’s aid – rely on luck for me to have a permanent, stable, reliable family?”

My story is “one-of-a-kind”, nothing like it has happened in my region. People have told me that I am lucky, that I am blessed. How fortunate it was that the family that adopted my sister invited me to live with them. Invited me into their family. Adopted me by every means but maybe the legal.  I used to graciously accept these sentiments.

But now, not so much, because now I find myself asking;  “why did my parent – the government, my children’s aid – rely on luck for me to have a permanent, stable, reliable family?”

There are a lot of questions that I ask myself these days around this. With more than 10 years between us, I understand that my sister had a better chance at being adopted as a toddler than I did as a teen. I understand that anyone who wanted to adopt that young may not have been open to an older youth. Yet why did that have to come – potentially – at the cost of my connection with my sister? The only family in my life that I still felt truly connected to. I cared for my sister both as a sibling and as someone that I took care of.

Then one day – I was being told that they were looking for a family for her and that might mean that I may never see her again. It was one of the lowest points in my life as I could not imagine how much worse it might have have gotten without her. How I might not have the family that I do now if it weren’t for the fact that they were interested in me being a part of it.

I know that adoption, much less adoption with my sister, was not being considered for me. Likely I was considered too old by then - apparently being a teenager makes me too old to need a family. So maybe it is truly luck that brought me to my family, which in turn kept me with my sister.

I’m just not sure that ‘luck’ is enough for everyone.

Youth Leaving Care Report

Today’s story is featuring the  Youth Leaving Care Report. Who better then the youth to tell us WHY  #aHome4EveryKid is a must!

To read the report - click here (http://digital.provincialadvocate.on.ca/i/69162/15)

 Youth Leaving Care Report Quotes PAGE #1

Ontario’s public adoption and foster care system is in drastic need of improvement. Ontario’s ward is being prematurely dispensed from care as though they are perfectly able to care for themselves monetarily and emotionally despite having very few, if any, familial relationships to fall back on. The lack of continued support after a child reaches a certain age poses a risk to the youth that Ontario taxpayers are responsible for. If a child is funded only minimally, and left to fend for themselves suddenly, they are likely to continue to need services from the system. If we ensure that all children are in a stable position before letting them leave our care, we increase their odds at successfully acquiring an education, a job and establishing a life for themselves outside of our care. Our children are not currently being set up for success.  

 Here are the facts…

 “[In 2011] There [were] approximately 8300 children and youth in care in the Province of Ontario…Right now when youth turn 21, care officially ends.” (Pg 5 YLC)

In Ontario, as of this year it is reported that only 5% of adoptions are 13 years or older. This means that right now, when a youth is waiting in care, their chance to find a permanent home dwindles with every year they age. Each year it is estimated that approximately 1000 teenagers within Ontario age out of this same inhospitable system.  - OACAS Ontario Association of Children Aids Society (2014).

 Here is how this system adversely impacts our youth’s self-esteem and development…

 “WE ARE VULNERABLE

   WE ARE ISOLATED

   WE ARE LEFT OUT OF OUR LIVES

   NO ONE IS REALLY THERE FOR US

   CARE IS UNPREDICTABLE

   CARE ENDS AND WE STRUGGLE” (Pg 7 YLC)

“I have come to learn that the most imporatant things in life are family and permanency. Less changes in a youth-in-care’s life means more time to focus on something else like post-secondary education.”

“…looking back I know all the mistakes that went on within the system. As a child you don’t have a voice that is taken seriously by adults… I know now that I will do everything in my power to not turn out like my parents, the government. “

 ( Pg 9 YLC)

“Even though North American society stresses the importance of the individual, human nature has not changed… We need a social context…We live interdependently, not independently. If former youth in care are not lucky enough to have foster homes that keep doors open (in spite of getting no support from CAS) or to be adopted, or to have (re) established ties to their families, they might end up in unhealthy social contexts.”  (Pg  11 YLC)

From Dream to Reality - in 9 months

It only took the effort and dedication of a few workers to send 3 children home, forever.

The Portability of our homestudy was the key element that came to play in our Adoption Journey. Thanks to the CAS where our children were from, both our private Pride and private Homestudy were accepted without delay – This made the adoption a quick reality to the benefit of our children and our growing family.
 

One morning in March 2012, Julie woke up with a strong urge to start working on expanding her family before the end of the year - they already had a son who was then nineteen years old – Unsure of what had inspired her, all she knew in the depth of her soul was that in 2012, her family would be growing. Of that she was convinced!

Driven by her calling, she and her husband started the process that would lead them to growing their family both biologically and through adoption, as they always knew, adoption was never a 2nd choice for them.

In May, Julie had already booked training for an Open Private Adopting seminar with Jennie Painter, soon after, she and her husband completed their Private PRIDE training over a two weekend period! Time was of the essence: their first and only priority was to make sure that no time was wasted. In selecting their Adoption Practitioner, they looked for two things: a commitment to a tight deadline to finalize their Homestudy and a connection!  With much enthusiasm, Julie was able to quickly connect with a Practitioner who would then be a key player in their success! Lisa, her practicioner, invited Julie to explore the local CASs – but Julie had already contacted them and never heard back for months– she knew better than to wait if her intuition were to become reality!

As soon as her practitioner handed Julie the TO DO list, she was on it! Background check, Reference letters, Veterinary Proof for their doggie, everything was done within weeks!

While ensuring they were becoming AdoptReady, they also pursued building their family biologically! Little did they know what to expect - In September, Julie became pregnant, only to find out a few weeks after that it was an ectopic pregnancy. Although saddened, Julie and her husband remained confident that their family was going to be formed by the end of the year. 

That year, Toronto’s ARE (Adoption Resource Exchange) was taking place in October. Being curious in nature, Julie, her husband and their son decided to build a profile to hand out and go explore. Julie never contemplated to adopt through the public system, but thought it was worth getting some exposure! In their mind and heart, they wanted to grow their family through an open adoption so that their children would have more family members to be loved by! They wanted to expand the existing family of their adopted children, not replace them.

Surprisingly enough as they flipped the page of the children’s profile at the ARE, they got carried away, their minds opened up to the possibilities of adopting a girl, perhaps a sibling group of two.  Watching the videos and reviewing the binders evoked many emotions - namely the desire to help the children they saw - yet one video brought about a completely different reaction. Julie’s husband described it as “being hit by a freight truck” - there, up on the screen he sat frozen watching the video of three children - their children.  Dragging Julie to the CAS booth, her husband pointed at their picture as the CAS team was wrapping up.  They knew it the minute they saw their children and suddenly their world changed. Without speaking a word about it, they stopped trying for a biological child right away and spent their mornings looking at their children’s picture.  All they could do was wait to see if they had been shortlisted.  

In the next few weeks, after having their hearts stolen by their children, they couldn’t help but visualize their lives with them. Thankfully, their prayers were answered! On December 5th, they received the call that would change their lives forever. The CAS intake worker later told them that she knew from the moment she met them at the ARE that they were the ones. She, the practitioner and the children’s social worker were big driving forces in making the adoption happen. To this day both Julie and her husband can’t thank them enough for the three precious gifts they helped bring to their lives. 

There was no need to meet their children to decide - they were committed since the day they saw their picture and decided to embrace the journey. They met for the first time on 12/12/12 and life for the six of them has never been the same since!

In retrospect, Julie realized: “ I knew deep down in my heart that no time could be wasted, our children were calling us and it was my responsibility to get us fully AdoptReady.“ The Portability of our homestudy was the key element that came to play in our Adoption Journey. Thanks to the CAS where our children were from, both our private Pride and private Homestudy were accepted without delay – This made the adoption a quick reality to the benefit of our children and our growing family.
 

Jay’s story

I was placed into foster care when I was 12 hours old. From the age of 4, I lived with foster parents that told me they loved me from the moment they finalized the adoption. For me, growing up was pretty easy because I had everything I needed. I always had the newest toys and gadgets that came out.

Though I was a timid boy everyone I met seemed to like me enough  Despite being generally accepted I was teased at school because I was adopted. In grade 4, I met a little girl in my class that disclosed to me that she too was adopted. We were fast friends and quickly became inseparable However, misfortune struck when I was approximately 14 years old and my adoptive family could no longer take care of me. They called the children’s aid society and I left the only home I had ever known for a new life within the system  My first placement was in a group home which made re-entering foster care all the more traumatizing. I felt very out of place  and intimidated by everyone residing in this particular home.

The worker who had placed me there reassured me, that this was only temporary and that I would be placed with a set of foster parents in no time. A couple of weeks later, I was placed in the first of many foster homes. Even though I deeply wanted to get along with everyone I nonetheless felt different and isolated in all of the subsequent foster homes I was placed in. I always felt ignored and betrayed by Children’s Aid, who placed me in horrible settings  that hindered my ability to grow and connect with others. A couple of the families I lived with even disclosed to me they were only fostering for the money. I knew when a family was only there for the money because they ignored me and didn’t care what I did or where I was. The other kids from these foster homes would be violent toward one another and even after relaying this to my parents no rules were enforced and nothing was done. When I was 17,

I was placed into what would be my last foster home. At this point I just hoped  I was placed with a family that wouldn’t reject me or  give up on me later on. Despite this crippling fear, this particular family became very fond of me and wanted to keep me permanently. When they asked if they could adopt me, as a young and damaged person, I couldn’t help but say no impulsively. I always wanted to feel loved but I was scared to go through what I had gone through with my previous adoptive family. However, I luckily developed into a resilient young man  and was able to keep in contact with the foster family that wanted to adopt me at the age of 17. If you asked me today, why permanent adoption is beneficial for a child  I would say that stability and being loved by another human being is magical when you consider the impact both these elements have on a person’s self esteem. I would also commend you on the important role you play in providing care for those who are not yet able to care for themselves.  I would tell you how comforting it is to know you are there to help other young people who could be in such raw and vulnerable state of development like I once was. My message for you all is to take the time and go through the process of adoption, because in life you can be that stability that one person needs.

Eight Months is Too Long in the Life of a Toddler

There is a need for more resources given to CASs, increased accountability and timelier in placing children in their forever homes

Kara* and Nick* are proud parents of a thriving, sweet five year old boy, placed with them at two years of age. However, the time to be selected as his parents took more than eight  long, agonizingly months at a key developmental age. 

Their journey began with discussions to adopt in July 2009. After months of research about requirements and adoption options they decided to start by contacting their local CAS in February 2010.  When they finally reached someone, the conversation was brief and they were advised to obtain a private homestudy and PRIDE Training as the wait list was estimated to be a couple of years. In April 2010 Kara and Nick started their private PRIDE Training and homestudy and in July 2010 their homestudy was finalized.  While having a private homestudy did not change their position on the wait list for their local CAS, it did allow them to pursue other opportunities to be considered as prospective adoptive parents, such as to attend the Adoption Resource Exchange (ARE) held in Toronto.

“A social worker with the ACO advised us that it was okay to politely persist in hearing something and to perhaps ask our adoption practitioner to reach out again”.

In October 2010, with encouragement from friends they had made through their PRIDE Training course, they attended what would be their first ARE. The experience was every bit as overwhelming and emotional as they had feared but they are so grateful they attended as that is where they learned about their son.   After a number of hours watching videos, reviewing profile binders, and visiting booths to speak with social workers about children being presented, Kara and Nick expressed interest in being considered for a fourteen month old boy with special needs. They were advised it would take a few weeks to get through the list of applicants and then another month or two for the transition. If they hadn’t heard anything in a few weeks then most likely they weren’t short listed as prospective parents.

Kara and Nick left the ARE with love already growing in their hearts.  “The more we read the information sheet and the more we reflected on our discussions with the social workers, the more we were sure we could meet this little boy’s needs”, says Kara. On their way home they contacted their adoption practitioner to provide information and ask that she call the agency to learn more and indicate her support of their suitability.  The adoption practitioner’s call was the first contact made to the CAS without a response. Weeks went by without hearing from the agency and Kara and Nick tried to resign themselves to not having been selected. But somehow they could not get this little boy out of their minds nor put the information sheet away. They had already done research on what they knew of his requirements, making them more confident that they had the resources and abilities to meet his needs.

After weeks of waiting patiently, they tried emailing and eventually calling and leaving messages without ever reaching anyone or receiving a response. In February 2011 Kara and Nick contacted the ACO (whats this?) about getting on their AdoptOntario databank and while doing so discussed their wish to hear whether the little boy they had expressed interested in at the ARE had been placed. “A social worker with the ACO advised us that it was okay to politely persist in hearing something and to perhaps ask our adoption practitioner to reach out again”, says Kara. “Our adoption practitioner did just that and I or we finally heard back from the supervisor where we learned that due to staffing promotions and hiring, a decision had not been made for this little boy we had been dreaming of for more than 4 months”.

Those 8 months of waiting could have been spent loving, advocating for and working with, their son and they are sure he would be further ahead developmentally…

Discussions revealed more about the little boy’s needs. Kara and Nick did further research and became even surer of their ability to parent him. They had been told that by March a decision would be made for the little boy. March came and went without word. So Kara, Nick and their adoption worker tried to contact the social worker and supervisor again. When finally contacted  they were told they’d hear by the end of April if selected. However, it was the middle of May before they learned that they were chosen to be his parents. After 8+ long months of waiting and hoping, he came home the end of June.

Kara and Nick are so grateful they were chosen and would go through the process and wait all over again for the joy of being parents to their son.  They couldn’t be more proud of his developmental progress.  Once services were in place, he had regular speech, physical, and occupational therapy weekly to aid him with his delays. He has now been discharged from all services, except speech, having met age appropriate milestones. The speech will require more therapy.

Those 8 months of waiting could have been spent loving, advocating for and working with, their son and they are sure he would be further ahead developmentally if he had come to them sooner as early intervention is paramount. Their son did not attend junior kindergarten to give him more time to catch up; time that may have been unnecessary if he could have been placed with them months sooner.

Kara and Nick would like to see more resources given to CASs and increased accountability so that they may be more responsive to prospective parents and timelier in placing children in their forever homes. While 8 months might not sound long when reflecting on a life time, it is extremely significant to the development and attachment of a young child in their formative years.

*A pseudonym has been used in this story

Disclaimer "These stories are the perspectives of awaiting parents. Adopt4Life aims to give parents a voice, and as such stories remain unchanged even if they may appear controversial. It is the hope of Adopt4Life that by bringing awareness to the thoughts and feelings of families, together we can work to bring change that benefits everyone."

Adoption an Evolution of the Heart

Ryan* and Jamie*, both in their 40’s, were looking to adopt their second child after adopting their first child10 years earlier. Originally they had planned to adopt soon after their first adoption, but the time and effort required with their son delayed their plans.

“We declined at the time, as we were hoping for a daughter and hadn’t yet considered adopting a sibling group”

Although surprised to have to do another PRIDE training, they were ready and thrilled to be adopting again. Soon after, they were presented with the opportunity to adopt two brothers. Ryan and Jamie said… “we declined at the time, as we were hoping for a daughter and hadn’t yet considered adopting a sibling group”. Over many months, Ryan and Jamie attended a number of A.R.Es but were not able to find a suitable match.

A few months later, Ryan and Jamie were approached again about the brothers. The brothers had been through a disruption (a prospective adoptive family had met with the boys on several occasions and decided not to pursue their adoption) and were desperately in need of a permanent home. As the boys were beautiful and bright, over 40 families, attending an A.R.E., expressed an interest in adopting the boys.

After meeting with the brothers several times, Ryan and Jamie knew that they were meant to adopt these boys. It has now been a couple of months. Ryan and Jamie feel so lucky to have been chosen to be their parents. They absolutely love the boys. Often they think of the other families, hoping that they have been successful in adopting.   

Ryan and Jamie’s experience is an example of the system working for awaiting parents and children.  The persistence of the CAS to match these boys and the openness of Ryan and Jamie resulted in a permanent home for them. Now, in becoming parents to three boys, Ryan and Jamie are blessed with a full family and a lifetime of joy.

Asked if they could provide advice to prospective adoptive parents they had the following to share:

• Define what you want from adoption and be specific.
• Be willing to consider adoptees out of your comfort zone but be sure to explore their needs fully and whether you can help them.
• Take time to meet as many adoption workers as possible from various cities.
•  Attend all A.R.Es.
•  Impatience can adversely impact your workers impression of you.
•  Demonstrate your capability to address the needs of adoptees.
•  Be open and honest.

*A pseudonym has been used in this story

Disclaimer "These stories are the perspectives of awaiting parents. Adopt4Life aims to give parents a voice, and as such stories remain unchanged even if they may appear controversial. It is the hope of Adopt4Life that by bringing awareness to the thoughts and feelings of families, together we can work to bring change that benefits everyone."

In Adoption Patience is Necessary

Don’t Give Up

Eleven months after having their homestudy updated, Kirsten and Joseph were selected by a birthmother to adopt her baby boy.

Kirsten* and Joseph* are the lucky adoptive parents of a 5 year old and a 1 year old.  After trying to learn about adoption through research, they officially started their journey with a phone call to their local CAS. Excited to be making this step they were soon deflated as they were informed that to adopt an infant or toddler could take 7-10 years. Unfortunately no time was taken to help Kirsten and Joseph understand better the ages and needs of the children in care. New to adoption Kirsten and Joseph had much to learn and this opportunity was lost by the agency who merely advised them to pursue private or international adoption.

Five months later Kirsten and Joseph contacted their local CAS again with a privately completed PRIDE Training and homestudy in hand. They were told, “just because you can afford a private PRIDE training and homestudy doesn’t mean you should be able to be considered ahead of a family who may not be able to afford to do the same. We will contact you when you come up on our list to go through our intake and homestudy process”.  

Determined to grow their family and feeling like age was not on their side, they concluded they needed to explore other options.  While looking at international and private adoption, they decided to also attend Adoption Resource Exchanges (AREs) hoping that the child/ren they were meant to parent would come to them if they opened enough doors.  As it turned out they would learn about their first adopted son at the ARE, coming home to them at 22 months of age, 11 months after they had their homestudy completed.  

A year and a half after adopting their son and knowing they wanted a brother or sister to grow up with him they approached their private adoption practitioner to have their homestudy updated, as they expire after 2 years. Once their homestudy was completed they reached out to their local CAS to provide them with their updated homestudy and to let them know they were still interested in being considered as prospective adoptive parents.  Again they were advised they were on the list and would be contacted for intake and a homestudy conducted when their name came up. Having been through a public adoption, Kirsten and Joseph could not understand why another homestudy would be necessary if they already had one. After all, their homestudy had been accepted by the CAS that they adopted their son from.

Given the wait indicated, they once again started to explore other options, attending an ARE and also distributing profiles to private adoption agencies and licensees.  Eleven months after having their homestudy updated, Kirsten and Joseph were selected by a birthmother to adopt her baby boy. They could not believe their good fortune to be able to welcome another son into their family. A week after meeting their second adopted son, their local CAS finally contacted them for intake – more than three years later.

Kirsten and Joseph are extremely grateful for their family and have no regrets for the steps they took to welcome these boys into the hearts and home; however they feel there are improvements to be made to the public adoption system. From their experience, they would like to see more responsiveness and education provided to prospective parents that contact CAS. They would also like to see an adjusted lifespan of homestudies enforced to require post-match re-evaluation across the province. Currently, it seems to be adhoc and creating a costly and unnecessary burden on the system where homestudies expire years in advance of a match. Also, they recommend centralization of Adoption Application Intake to better serve awaiting prospective adoptive parents and awaiting children. With the advanced technologies and communication channels available today, restricting adoptive parents to dealing only with their regional CAS seems archaic when in a different CAS somewhere in the province there may be a child/ren they would be an ideal match for. These collective changes would help to match more expediently children in need of forever families with prospective qualified awaiting parents, reducing the number of qualified, competent families that give up on the process and reducing the number of children aging out of the public system.

*A pseudonym has been used in this story

Disclaimer "These stories are the perspectives of awaiting parents. Adopt4Life aims to give parents a voice, and as such stories remain unchanged even if they may appear controversial. It is the hope of Adopt4Life that by bringing awareness to the thoughts and feelings of families, together we can work to bring change that benefits everyone."

Searching for transparency:

Full disclosure regarding kids with special needs

Monica and Justin got married 6 years, hopeful of starting a family. They purchased a family home preparing for their dream of children. One year into their marriage Monica was still not pregnant. After some attempts at fertility treatments they turned their efforts to adoption as a means of growing their family. 

As more information was provided to them, they realized it was the same child. The worker had given the child a different name but was not as detailed about his disabilities.  

They decided to pursue public adoption and attended an information session in December 2012. Hearing about the long waits with their local CAS they chose to do their PRIDE Training and get their homestudy done privately.

Monica and Justin completed their PRIDE training and homestudy just in time to attend the April 2013 Adoption Resource Exchange (ARE). The ARE is an event that allows Children’s Aid Societies  (CASs) in Ontario to present difficult to place children. Whether it is due to the child’s age, special needs of because it is in the child’s best interest to be placed outside their jurisdiction, the ARE is designed to cast a wider net in order to find the best family math.

After a long afternoon at the ARE watching videos, reviewing profiles and talking to social workers they expressed interest in a few children. Following the ARE, Monica stayed in touch with the agencies they had expressed interest with, providing the necessary documentation. During their wait one of the CAS they had communicated with at the ARE called them to present a little boy who had moderate to severe Cerebral Palsy.  The worker was very positive and anxious to place this little boy. Monica and Justin discussed the little boy very seriously and came to the decision that they were not able to parent a child with these needs. Monica called the worker and explained their decision. The worker said “Thank you, we will keep your profile for future matches”.

A few weeks later the same worker who had called about the little boy with Cerebral Palsy (CP) emailed them. In the email he stated that he had another potential match. It was a little boy who had a minor disability and difficulty with fine motor skills. Monica and Justin recalled similar difficulties with the other little boy who had CP.  As more information was provided to them, they realized it was the same child. The worker had given the child a different name but was not as detailed about his disabilities.   Monica and Justin were very disappointed and shocked by the workers lack of competency and disclosure. They immediately closed their file with that Children’s Aid Society.

This experience left them feeling very distrustful of public adoption. They feel competent to parent high risk children due to Monica’s professional background in working with special needs children however they do not feel confident they could parent children with certain physical challenges. From their experience they would ask for better transparency from CASs regarding the history and needs of the children they present. This journey is already challenging and prospective parents need to feel confident they are being given accurate and complete information to be able to make the best decision for their family. 

*A pseudonym has been used in this story

Disclaimer "These stories are the perspectives of awaiting parents. Adopt4Life aims to give parents a voice, and as such stories remain unchanged even if they may appear controversial. It is the hope of Adopt4Life that by bringing awareness to the thoughts and feelings of families, together we can work to bring change that benefits everyone."

8 months too late

Following ARE - How long are prospective parents expected to wait after submitting expressions of interest?

In 2008 David and Chantelle married and were excited to start a family.  They thought it would come easily for them as they were both healthy and young. They bought a house in a small community, close to schools, hospital, and community centres - all important considerations for raising a family.

After a year, they became concerned as Chantelle was still not pregnant. They sought medical care and it was determined they were not able to conceive without medical intervention. Discussing their options, they decided to do fertility treatments.  After several years of trying to conceive, and many failed attempts at invitro fertilization, among other procedures, they were diagnosed as infertile. 

This did not deter Chantelle and David, they still held the dream of becoming parents. In September 2012 they decided that adopting was another great way to form a family. Chantelle spent many hours researching on the Internet the different adoption options. 

Ultimately resource constraints meant that these children remained in care for 8+ months unnecessarily and they missed out on being part of a family that loved them before they even met them – a family that shared their aboriginal heritage. 

They knew Children’s Aid Societies (CAS) was the agency to adopt from but they had not heard great feedback. Despite this, Chantelle called her local CAS office to try to gain some information.  After playing phone tag with a CAS worker for a month, Chantelle finally learned there was an information session offered about adopting.  This session was being held several months down the road so Chantelle attempted to call another CAS in her area. When she finally was able to speak with someone they told her “you must work with your local CAS only.” As a result Chantelle and David had no choice but to wait for the information session held by their local CAS. 

When Chantelle and David attended the adoption information session in early December 2012 they were shocked to hear some of the information provided. CAS told them that to adopt a baby to young child it would be up to a 10 year wait. It was stated that older children were available to adopt however they had moderate to severe disabilities or high behavioral concerns.  As Chantelle works with children that have disabilities they felt they could be a good match for children with special needs, but they had some concerns that there were no supports in place once children were adopted.  They were also told that homestudies done privately were not valid with the CAS. Hearing so many discouraging things, Chantelle and David decided to look into more options.

To be proactive Chantelle and David signed up privately for the mandated PRIDE adoptive parent training course in December 2012. They also found a private adoption practitioner who was willing to perform their homestudy and complete it as soon as possible.

Their homestudy started the same month as the training and was a very long and drawn out process. The questions asked were intrusive and personal.   They found the homestudy procedure and meetings with the adoption practitioner overwhelming, stressful and very straining on their relationship  After several months, Chantelle and David were finally approved in February 2013. 

Late in March 2013 Chantelle and David learned of the Adoption Resource Exchange (ARE) from their social worker – a venue where CASs from across the province present children in need of families. Booths were set up with different children featured from different locations. Potential parents were encouraged to read a two sided page about a child and then put an application in to express interest in being considered as a potential adoptive parent if they felt they would be a good match for the child(ren). The ARE reminded Chantelle and David of a trade show, they were both excited to see the profiles and shocked to see how many children were available. 

After spending all afternoon looking at childrens’ profiles they decided to put in an application of expression of interest for a sibling group and a little boy. The CAS workers indicated to Chantelle and David that they were very likely to be seriously considered for the siblings, two boys, because of David’s aboriginal heritage. Chantelle and David were 1 of 3 potential parents that had expressed interest. They were told at the ARE that, if selected, the children could be placed in their home by July 2013. Chantelle and David left the ARE feeling very excited and positive. They went home and started to prepare for their future family. 

As weeks went by Chantelle and David provided the CAS workers with their home study and all other necessary documents. Chantelle stayed in close contact via phone and email, eager to show their suitability as prospective parents. Chantelle was told by the worker that it could take a couple of weeks to get through the 3 applications.  So Chantelle and David called back at the end of May. Again the worker stated that they should be making a decision soon.  

Time went on and Chantelle and David waited to hear about the sibling group. By July 2013 Chantelle had left several messages for the worker but heard nothing back. She tried calling another worker still without replies. She and David were quickly getting frustrated. Finally in September 2013 they made the decision to try private adoption. While preparing for a private adoption they still quietly waited to hear about the boys they had applied for. They had purchased clothes and other items for them, never losing hope.

Not long after pursuing private adoption, a birth mother chose them to be parents of her unborn son. As they got to know the birth mother they developed a great relationship with her. The birth mother’s child was due in January 2014. Chantelle and David grew more and more excited about the little boy coming home.

Chantelle couldn’t believe it!  After months of waiting to hear something and calling repeatedly without reply, CAS had finally got back to them !  However it was too late.

One afternoon in late December 2013, when they were packing for their trip to go to Nunavut to meet with the birthmother of their soon to be born son, Chantelle received a call from their adoption practioner.  Apparently CAS had contacted her to ask if Chantelle and David were still interested in the boys. Chantelle couldn’t believe it!  After months of waiting to hear something and calling repeatedly without reply, CAS had finally got back to them !  However it was too late. Chantelle and David had already made a commitment to this birth mother and were looking forward to this child from Nunavut. 

Chantelle politely told the social worker that they were about to adopt a baby from Nunavut and would sadly be unable to adopt the sibling group. They both felt guilty for moving on and wanted to know why CAS had taken to so long to get in touch with them. Chantelle emailed the CAS worker to ask and was told “they had a number of staffing changes and foster family placement changes.” Ultimately resource constraints meant that these children remained in care for 8+ months unnecessarily and they missed out on being part of a family that loved them before they even met them – a family that shared their aboriginal heritage.  

For Chantelle and David their adoption experience was frustrating when working with the Children’s Aid Society. 

Today Chantelle and David have adopted a healthy baby boy named Brock.  Brock is from Nunavut and is of Inuit heritage. They have a great relationship with his birthmother. The private adoption worked for Chantelle and David, and they feel blessed to be parents.  However, they still think about the sibling group – the two little boys that were denied a permanent home with them.

*A pseudonym has been used in this story

Disclaimer "These stories are the perspectives of awaiting parents. Adopt4Life aims to give parents a voice, and as such stories remain unchanged even if they may appear controversial. It is the hope of Adopt4Life that by bringing awareness to the thoughts and feelings of families, together we can work to bring change that benefits everyone."

Overcoming the many pitfalls within the «Foster with a View to Adopt» program

Letting your guard down : There is no way to  prepare for adoption that falls through

Marny and Joe are still healing from their loss of these children they had grown to love so deeply

Marny* and Joe* have been trying for over four years to become parents. After two rounds of failed IVF they decided to pursue adoption to grow their family. They have family members that have become parents with public adoption so they chose that route. They started PRIDE in January 2013 and were adopt ready in June the same year. Their local CAS currently has a foster with a view to adopt program for their children ages 0-6. Because they have asked to be matched with a child, or sibling group, between 0-3 they fell into the foster with a view program.

Their first call from CAS with a potential match they turned down and then received another call the first week of September 2013. They were presented with a sibling group, both a girl and boy within their age range. They were well aware of the risks they were taking but the case sounded strong and so they agreed. The children were placed with them in October 2013. They endured many struggles relating to attachment and weren't offered the right support plus they found it difficult to fully let their guard down since they knew there was a chance the children would be returned to their birth family.

In August 2014 they were notified that there was not enough evidence for CAS to maintain their application for crown wardship and the children were returned to their birth family in September 2014. Marny and Joe are still healing from their loss of these children they had grown to love so deeply - losses compounded back to their fertility treatments. Their journey has now brought them back to being awaiting parents again.

Because of their faith, Marney and Joe feel comforted that their journey had a purpose for all of them. When asked Marney said, « the bright side to our journey is that we know the road we have to follow again and in the process have found invaluable resources. We were also able to allow the kids to thrive in our home for a year. We have been able to provide feedback to our CAS and let them know where we believe improvements need to be made with their foster with a view to adopt program.»

Foster with a view to adopt programs are becoming more prevalent across the province.  The theory is to place children in homes that could become permanent if it turns out they are not able to go back to their birth families. For children where reunification with birthfamily or where kinship placement are not possible, this is the next best scenario as it minimizes the number of foster placements for the child(ren) helping improve attachment.  Families that welcome into their home and their hearts children under the foster with a view to adopt program need support while these children are being fostered with them and if they children leave their home.  The emotional cost is great even if it is for the greater good of the child(ren).  

*A pseudonym has been used in this story

Disclaimer "These stories are the perspectives of awaiting parents. Adopt4Life aims to give parents a voice, and as such stories remain unchanged even if they may appear controversial. It is the hope of Adopt4Life that by bringing awareness to the thoughts and feelings of families, together we can work to bring change that benefits everyone."

Ontarian Dream Couple: Still waits for match

Permanency not a Current Priority within Ontario’s Adoption System

« Their adoption journey has been an emotional roller coaster to say the least »

Elaine* and Steve* have been happily married for 14 years and together a total of 22 years.  Soon after they married they discovered they could not conceive children.  After multiple trips to specialists in the city they were saddened to learn that they could not have biological children even with medical intervention.

However, they were always open to adoption.

Elaine’s father was adopted as a young boy and adoption was a normal part of conversations in their family. So it was a natural choice to turn their efforts to growing their family this way.

When asked, Elaine and Steve said, « their adoption journey has been an emotional roller coaster to say the least. » It all began in 2010 with an adoption seminar to learn more about the process of adopting. In August 2012 they were finally able to register for their PRIDE Training at their local CAS. At this time they also received their homestudy checklist and began to complete the requirements including criminal background and medical checks.  After 9 weeks of training they completed their PRIDE in December 2012 and in April 2013 their homestudy was finalized.  The total process taking 3 years!

At long last, in May 2014, another year later, they received a call from CAS that they had been potentially matched. Unfortunately only 2 days later the match fell through. In July and October 2014 they were called for two more matches both of which also fell through leaving them to continue waiting.

They have asked on several occasions how they could help speed up the adoption process so they could be blessed with the sound of little foot steps in their home.  Their worker has advised them of many adoptive parenting books to read to help with the adjusting process and attachment.  They have purchased EVERY book that was recommended and read them all from cover to cover. Yet, despite all their efforts acquiring parenting skills, they are left to apply this knowledge to their pets.

On many occasions CAS employees have mentioned they are great people.  They have been described as loving, caring, friendly, supportive and funny.  Elaine and Steve have always felt blessed to have found each other 22 years ago and have only ever wanted what was best for each other and to have a family – the traditional Canadian dream.  

Elaine and Steve can offer a loving home environment, are financial stable, have a supportive family and wonderful friend network.  They have acquired great knowledge during their Pride Training and through reading the suggested books yet they are still waiting - feeling the pressure of aging with every passing year.  They fear eventually they will be too old to be considered.

… despite all their efforts acquiring parenting skills, they are left to apply this knowledge to their pets

They have been asked many times by CAS to become foster parents and have given it a great deal of thought but feel that this is not the best solution for them.  They wish for a child to come into their home permanently. The thought of attaching to a child and then having them leave would be heart wrenching and not something that they could emotionally go through.  Although fostering is not for them, they look up to those who do foster. 

They have shared their story in hope it will help shed some light on what people are going through in Ontario who can offer loving homes to children of all ages, race or ability. Their wish is that the legal system evolves to allow children the chance to be loved permanently by a stable and competent family. This is what all children deserve.

In the meantime they remain ever hopeful.

*A pseudonym has been used in this story

Disclaimer "These stories are the perspectives of awaiting parents. Adopt4Life aims to give parents a voice, and as such stories remain unchanged even if they may appear controversial. It is the hope of Adopt4Life that by bringing awareness to the thoughts and feelings of families, together we can work to bring change that benefits everyone."

Discouraged from Mixed Race Adoption

Colour first, Age second, and Permanency last: The Priorities of Ontario’s Adoption Policy

Karen and Wesley* began the process of adopting their first child by attending a PRIDE run by a licensed PRIDE trainer, not by a Children Aid Society. Like many people who decide to adopt, they wanted to adopt an infant. The PRIDE course did nothing to dissuade them from this decision; in fact, it did the very opposite by reinforcing the idea. However, the course also suggested they had little chance of succeeding with a domestic adoption.

“We are a white couple, and at the time, were in our late 30s. We were told that we were probably too old to succeed, in particular with the private domestic adoption of an infant. And the message was quite strongly conveyed to us that we were too white to succeed with the public domestic adoption of an infant. Only one couple during the PRIDE course we took was encouraged to proceed with a public domestic adoption, and that couple was mixed race .“

Therefor the message was quite strongly conveyed to them that they were too white and too old to succeed with the public domestic adoption of an infant. Only one couple during the PRIDE course they took was encouraged to proceed with a public domestic adoption, and that couple was mixed race.

Along with at least one other family from their PRIDE course, they decided to proceed with an international adoption from Ethiopia. They became clients of Imagine Adoption, which, as many people know, went bankrupt in 2009. Unfortunately, they were affected by this bankruptcy, although it only delayed their adoption rather than made it impossible. Thanks to some wonderful people who worked hard to bring this agency out of bankruptcy, they were able to complete their adoption.

It became clear that there were far more toddlers available for adoption in Ethiopia than there were infants. When they were told this, Karen and Wesley immediately applied to increase the age range they were interested in from 0-12 months up to 36 months. And soon thereafter, they received a referral for a beautiful three-year-old boy.

“Adopting a three-year-old, rather than an infant was good for us in the end,” says Karen. “Since completing this adoption I’ve informally counseled some people who were considering a change to their adoption request from that of an infant to an older child.” She wishes she could have had the same opportunity: to talk to someone who could share their knowledge, including the positives and negatives of adopting an older child.

Adopting a child of a different race and from a different culture, although challenging in some respects, has enriched their lives. Moreover, Karen explains, “We know that being adopted, period, has improved our child’s circumstances immeasurably.” Although they don’t believe that trans-racial or trans-ethnic adoption is appropriate for every prospective adoptive parent or for every adoptable child, they strongly disagree with the policy of some (perhaps many) Children Aid Societies in Ontario of race-matching (i.e., of matching prospective parents with children only if one or both of these adults are of the same race as the child). Karen knows from having done research on adoption that studies on transracial adoption generally do not support such a policy. And although giving some preference in the adoption of a child to prospective parents who are of the same race as the child may be appropriate, a strict policy against transracial adoption is simply not justified. If it were not for such a policy, they may indeed have adopted through the CAS system in Ontario.

*Pseudonyms have been used in this story

Disclaimer "These stories are the perspectives of awaiting parents. Adopt4Life aims to give parents a voice, and as such stories remain unchanged even if they may appear controversial. It is the hope of Adopt4Life that by bringing awareness to the thoughts and feelings of families, together we can work to bring change that benefits everyone."

Same Sex Couple Refused Public Adoption Service

Female couples struggle harder than men to go through private adoption process.

Both Rita and Ann are Catholic, but they found that regardless of their religion, Catholic CAS has a policy against placing children with same sex families.

Rita* and Ann* have been together since 2000, but it wasn’t until 2005 that they started to give thought to having children. The idea of adoption started to be seriously considered after a couple years of fertility treatments, and a couple ectopic pregnancies. They began their journey to have a family the idea so that they wouldn’t look back with regret. They wanted to be parents. As they  moved forward it became impossible to imagine living without children, no matter how those children found their way into the family.

They attended PRIDE in May 2012 but it wasn’t until October of that same year that they started the Home Study with a private practitioner. They decided to go this route because it appeared it might be a long time before one would be done through CAS. The Home Study was completed in April 2013 and sent to their local CAS. The agency didn’t contact them for four months.

It became apparent to Rita and Ann that there are a lot of variables for a lesbian couple hoping to adopt. First, they were told International adoptions are out of the question because there is no country that will allow same sex couples to adopt. Next, private adoption was presented as an option to avoid because they are older (40ish) and there seemed to be a preference among birthmothers to choose gay couples that are male, rather than female. After pursing public adoption they learned it wouldn’t be possible to work with all CAS agencies. Both Rita and Ann are Catholic, but they found that regardless of their religion, Catholic CAS has a policy against placing children with same sex families. The fact that Toronto Catholic CAS will not consider them as potential parents for their children has been difficult for them. They feel they would be excellent parents to many children they have seen Toronto Catholic CAS  present at the Adoption Resource Exchange.

Another avenue they have explored is Foster-to-Adopt. They were told about one CAS in particular that has a great program for this and allows families from outside the region, but when they approached that agency they received mixed messages. They know couples outside the region who have been a part of their program and successfully adopted, but as it stands that particular agency has indicated it’s not very likely they will be accepted due to being outside the region.

Although Rita and Ann began wanting to adopt a young child, their openness to an older child has evolved. They would also welcome a sibling group, and feel this would be a blessing since they wish to have two kids.

Regardless of all the road blocks, they remain committed to growing their family and fulfilling their dream of becoming parents. They say they have met some really wonderful workers at the ARE and through their own local CAS. It is a roller coaster ride, and patience is definitely a requirement. In the grand scheme of things their adoption journey has not been that long, even though it feels like forever to them. They have kept in touch with several couples met at PRIDE and all of them have adopted and that gives them hope. Rita and Ann continue to do all they can to be educated by attending the ACO’s educations days and anything offered through their local CAS. They find it helps keep them motivated.

*Pseudonyms have been used in this story

Disclaimer "These stories are the perspectives of awaiting parents. Adopt4Life aims to give parents a voice, and as such stories remain unchanged even if they may appear controversial. It is the hope of Adopt4Life that by bringing awareness to the thoughts and feelings of families, together we can work to bring change that benefits everyone."

The private cost of public adoption

“The advertisements that talk about public CAS adoptions being free isn’t the total picture.”

“Everyone is happy when they hear you are adopting but when the process goes on and on - people wonder what you have done wrong.”

When Monika* and Alek* began their adoption journey, they were told by their local Children’s Aid Society that the wait list and time for parents to have a homestudy completed would be lengthy. It was actually a worker that recommended they go for a private homestudy to expedite the process. They paid for a private homestudy and PRIDE training. They then decided to pursue an international adoption via China. Unfortunately, their hopes were unrealised when wait times increased dramatically.

Alek and Monika decided to attend the Adoption Resource Exchange (ARE), a twice a year event where children a profiled to adopt paper ready families. At first, they were intimidated by the process: watching videos of children, walking in a room full of workers talking about children and information cards about them. It looked like a marketplace and it took them some time to get over the feelings they had about this process.

It was at the ARE that they learned about their daughter. She was a single child with an infectious smile. Their child had spent over 2170 days in foster care and had been a part of two disrupted adoptions previously. She was so excited to move into Alek and Monika’s home. They were glad that she remained hopeful and wanted to try again to be a part of a family.

Monika and Alek’s child was not from their jurisdiction. A worker from the Children’s Aid Society from where she originated came to their home for monthly visits. Time from work was needed as workers would not visit at night. At Alek and Monika’s respective workplaces, both got into trouble about the repeated absences for meetings to deal with the CAS home visits and various appointments. As Monika states, « Everyone is happy when they hear you are adopting but when the process goes on and on - people wonder what you have done wrong. »

Monika and Alek also paid for their local adoption practitioner to be a part of these meetings to support them in the transition of their child. Alek explains, « The advertisements that talk about public CAS adoptions being free isn’t the total picture ».

Right now, Alek and Monika are thrilled to have their daughter in their lives but were not so thrilled with the process to get her. They believe that Ontario can do better!

*A pseudonym has been used in this story

Disclaimer "These stories are the perspectives of awaiting parents. Adopt4Life aims to give parents a voice, and as such stories remain unchanged even if they may appear controversial. It is the hope of Adopt4Life that by bringing awareness to the thoughts and feelings of families, together we can work to bring change that benefits everyone."

AdoptReady – A long process

The journey to become AdopReady is often filled with roadblocks

“In this ‘internet age’, it’s time to dismantle the regional silos in which our current CAS’ operate. They need to develop a province-wide system in which communication, policies, and procedures are seamless – reducing wait times for children and awaiting parents.”

Carlos* and Ferhana* are a newly married couple. Their adoption journey began one year ago when they filed a Resource Application Package with their local CAS. They hope to adopt an infant or possibly a sibling pair through the Foster with the View to Adopt process.  Ferhana and Carlos are apprehensive of the personal emotional risks of this programme, as it involves caring for a child who may return to their birth parents. However, this is the only path for adopting a baby with their CAS.

 They are currently attending PRIDE training, but had to wait ten months to start the course as no spots were available. While the course workbook suggests that PRIDE be taken at the same time as the home study, their agency does not conduct home studies during PRIDE training.  Their rational: CAS has limited funds and cannot offer home studies to everyone, only those who complete the course. They have no timeline for home study completion that is required to be AdoptReady.

 Carlos and Ferhana’s biggest challenge has been communication with CAS.  They received no confirmation that initial paperwork was received. They took it upon themselves to contact CAS throughout their 10-month wait for the PRIDE course. It took several calls and messages to connect with a worker who could only tell them that they are “in the system.”  Another challenge has been ‘the wait’.  Between the lack of communication and the indefinite time lines, they feel powerless.

 When asked how they would change the system, Carlos and Ferhana said, “In this ‘internet age’, it’s time to dismantle the regional silos in which our current CAS’ operate. They need to develop a province-wide system in which communication, policies, and procedures are seamless – reducing wait times for children and awaiting parents.”

*A pseudonym has been used in this story

Disclaimer "These stories are the perspectives of awaiting parents. Adopt4Life aims to give parents a voice, and as such stories remain unchanged even if they may appear controversial. It is the hope of Adopt4Life that by bringing awareness to the thoughts and feelings of families, together we can work to bring change that benefits everyone."

No substitute for family

At sixteen was advised she was self sufficient

“I was surprised that anyone would want to adopt me at 16. I thought, what do I have to offer to this family? Am I good enough? Will this work out?”

Anna was living on her own at 16 and was offered a family.

Her friend’s family took her into their home on multiple occasions when she couldn't care for herself. For instance, she was on crutches for 6 weeks during the wintertime and couldn't take public transit to school. CAS couldn’t offer a volunteer driver or an alternate way to get her to school. Without her friend’s family taking her in, she would have missed school. Another time, she had her wisdom teeth taken out and was put on a special diet. Her friend’s mom took care of her. Her friend's parents offered to adopt her when she was 16. Anna says, “I was surprised that anyone would want to adopt a teenager. I thought, what do I have to offer to this family? Am I good enough? Will this work out?”

Her social worker at the time highly encouraged her to continue with living independently and decline the offer to be adopted. At the worker’s advice, Anna agreed. Looking back, she sees many aspects of her life as a teenager and young adult that were impacted by not having a family. No one was there to teach her basic life skills. She didn’t have role models to show her how to interact with people, how to trust them or how to thank those who helped her. She suppressed all of her feelings and was afraid to connect with people. As Anna says, “I was vulnerable and scared as a teenager.” As a young adult, Christmas, Thanksgiving, and birthdays are continual reminders that she doesn’t have family. There is no safe haven where she can go and ask for advice. In her words, “I don’t have a family who loves me unconditionally and looks out for my best interest.”

Her personal and professional experience has helped her to understand why her social workers would have suggested that she live independently rather than go through the difficult process of adoption. But she doesn’t think her workers expected much of her. She remembers showing one of them her report cards with an 85% average, and complaining that she wanted a 90% average to apply for a prestigious scholarship for university. One of her workers said, “I’m just happy you passed, I would have been happy even if you got a 70% average.” It’s unlikely they expected she would graduate with a Bachelor of Social Work and would be working in child welfare. Anna has worked with children with autism and does crisis counselling. She wonders if the workers’ experience in the field may have jaded them, leaving them unable to predict good results for youth in care, and help them work towards that. Anna feels fortunate that she had a wonderful worker when she aged out of care, someone who always saw her resilience and praised her successes.

 On the idea of permanency Anna poignantly shares, “Though I have grown as a person and achieved so much at a young age, the one thing I am missing is a family to call my own. And a family can never be substituted with any worker or institution.”

 -Anna is a former Crown Ward, age 21

Her mother’s common-law partner murdered her mother and grandmother when she was 13.

We Know How to Do it Well!

Older Youth Adoption

Melissa and Joel* had always planned to add to their family through adoption after having their biological children. 17 months after they started their adoption journey they met their (now) daughter. She was a smart, feisty, beautiful teenager named Emma, who was just shy of her 17th birthday. 

 “We learned that we were breaking a lot of ‘rules’ – adopting out of birth order, transracially, and of different religions.  But enough of the right people believed that Emma needed a family and continued the conversation with us beyond the first call”, says Melissa.  Just over a year later, shortly after Emma’s 18th birthday, the adoption was finalized and the whole family of 7 attended the ceremony in front of the judge.

So why is this story about Waiting Parents, the theme of this month’s Adopt for Life’s Campaign?  Because it is about what CAN go right, and how families CAN be built successfully through the public system in Ontario.   It’s about how with the right programs and resources every child and youth could find a home to grow up and grow old in. 

This story is about 3 Ontario initiatives – working together – that brought our daughter to our family – AdoptOntario, Wendy’s Wonderful Kids, Portability of Public/Private partnerships. 

Emma’s worker was a Wendy’s Wonderful Kid recruiter – one of only 5 such positions in the province.  WWK recruiters are funded by the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption and use an evidence-based, best-practice model to recruit families for waiting children.

 Melissa and Joel first ‘met’ Emma on the AdoptOntario website and spoke directly to one of two clinical coordinators who helped make the first connection with Emma’s worker.  Funded by MCYS, AdoptOntario is an award-winning program that has developed a number of effective tools to help CAS workers ‘find’ families for waiting children. There is no cost to anyone to use the program and yet only a small portion of Ontario waiting children are registered with the program. 

Melissa and Joel had their homestudy completed by a Private Adoption Practitioner because their local agency could not accommodate them in a timely way.  Emma’s worker accepted the homestudy and worked with the Private Worker to facilitate the placement.  Many CASs will not accept a privately completed homestudy and families must complete a second process using the same assessment tool. 

What is unexplainable is why these programs are not promoted and supported more.  The oft used excuse of financial constraints just does not wash when one does the simple math of just how much it costs each year to keep a young person in foster care (close to $40,000 at last glance).   These programs can show empirically based proof that the savings far outweigh the cost.

And really, this is much more then just a question of dollars and cents.  It is a question of living in a Province where one knows that EVERYTHING that can be done, is being done, to find permanency for every child and youth living under government care. It should not be a “hit and miss” kind of experience when one tries to adopt through the public system—  It is not good enough to say we are trying, because we CAN do better, it is NOT a mystery how.  All we have to do is stop and ask “Would it be good enough for my child?”—and we have our answer.

*A pseudonym has been used in this story

Disclaimer "These stories are the perspectives of awaiting parents. Adopt4Life aims to give parents a voice, and as such stories remain unchanged even if they may appear controversial. It is the hope of Adopt4Life that by bringing awareness to the thoughts and feelings of families, together we can work to bring change that benefits everyone."

Too Old and Too Educated to Adopt

Jill* and Steven* are AdoptReady and hoping to adopt a child under 6 years old. They are childless, have graduate degrees in child development, and more than enough time and love for a waiting child. They were told they couldn’t pursue both international and local adoption at the same time and had to choose. Eight years ago they signed up for public adoption with their local child protection agency. They paid for a private homestudy (that they have updated several times, as homestudies expire after two years) and completed PRIDE training.

They waited for a year without word. When they met with their social worker they asked if something was wrong. Jill wondered if they were being too fussy. The worker said they had been considered for several children, but weren’t chosen because they « were deemed too old and too educated. » Because both Jill and Steven were over forty years old, many workers felt they wouldn’t be suitable parents. Because they were highly educated, workers felt they would expect too much from a child.

They are still on the AdoptOntario database and have never been matched. After waiting four years they are discouraged by the process of adopting through the public system. « It hurts to think that we are not considered good candidates, and it hurts even more to think that there might be a child in foster care who could benefit from being a part of our family, » confesses Jill. She doesn’t understand why their age and educations are barriers or liabilities. Wisdom and experience, that which comes with age, are powerful tools for parenting. Their backgrounds in child development are assets as well. At this point Jill and Steven are about to give up on the broken and flawed system. « We will not be updating our home study again, » she says. A child in foster care will lose the chance of being a part of this qualified and loving family so ready to open their home and their hearts.

*A pseudonym has been used in this story

Disclaimer "These stories are the perspectives of awaiting parents. Adopt4Life aims to give parents a voice, and as such stories remain unchanged even if they may appear controversial. It is the hope of Adopt4Life that by bringing awareness to the thoughts and feelings of families, together we can work to bring change that benefits everyone."

International Adoption: Hope on Hold

The desire to love and parent a child is so strong for many people that cost, wait times, and uncertainty are all deemed worthwhile to fulfill this dream.  Families that have welcomed their child home will tell you they would do it all again, despite the arduous journey.  

As each day gets colder, the sharp ache of waiting deepens, cutting through her soul like ice.  This time last year, Bobbie Sue* believed that by now she would be overseas meeting her beloved child, and basking in the joy of finally being blessed with a forever family through international adoption.  But as the leaves fall, and another season passes away, she wonders if her hope of becoming a mother will ever be fulfilled.

Her journey to parenthood began in Africa almost 10 years ago, when the idea of adopting from the place that stole her heart was first sparked by a very poor birth mother, burdened with the responsibility of caring for 7 young children on her own, suggested to Bobbie Sue that she could adopt her youngest child. At the time, she simply shrugged off the idea, as she knew she was simply not ready to become a parent.

Now, while friends, family and colleagues celebrate their new bouncing bundles of joy, and embark on the adventure of new parenthood, she sits alone at home each night, trying to sort through the chaos of this journey called adoption, and enduring the uncertainty of not knowing if or when she will be so blessed.  Her pain is silent, her suffering invisible to the outside world, but she prays for the courage to have hope.

After living overseas for several years, Bobbie Sue returned to Canada about 2 years ago and started the rollercoaster of international adoption, starting with the PRIDE course and the excruciating home study process (which left her emotionally raw and vulnerable), followed by the vacuum of a four month wait to be deemed eligible by MCYS to adopt a single child from another country.  The flurry of gathering what seemed like a lifetime of documentation for her dossier kept Bobbie Sue very distracted for a few months, but as soon as that binder was approved overseas, the oppressive vacuum of waiting quickly returned. 

So it’s been 22 months and counting, and waiting, and hoping. That might not seem very long to others, but to Bobbie Sue it feels like an eternity, especially when the rollercoaster has taken some very sharp turns in the past 2 months, including a significant slowdown in the paperwork process overseas and the risk of a change in the law which may disqualify her from adopting as a single parent. In a moment of pure desperation and utter frustration, she almost gave up on the journey, declaring that she was just going to walk away from it all.  Now she stands at the crossroads of deferred hope and unfulfilled desire, and wonders if the next phone call or email will be the one, THE ONE, that will make her heart soar…..

The desire to love and parent a child is so strong for many people that cost, wait times, and uncertainty are all deemed worthwhile to fulfill this dream.  Families that have welcomed their child home will tell you they would do it all again, despite the arduous journey.  

*A pseudonym has been used in this story

Disclaimer "These stories are the perspectives of awaiting parents. Adopt4Life aims to give parents a voice, and as such stories remain unchanged even if they may appear controversial. It is the hope of Adopt4Life that by bringing awareness to the thoughts and feelings of families, together we can work to bring change that benefits everyone."